Recently I made a big decision and it freaked me out for about a week. I just didn't feel like myself, well, that whole concept has gotten a bit muddied in the past few years. Life just got in the way of what I had planed to do after undergrad. Now there aren't any excuses and it freaked me out. I had to own up to what I said I was going to do. This has been the best wake up call I could ever ask for and it lit a fire under my ass and got me thinking about what I love to do.
I've decided to get back into theatre. I never really left, but I wasn't really present either. I had written that part of my life off and thought that I was done with all that "theatre" stuff. I had even looked into going back to school for riddiculous things like becoming a paralegal. (Not that being a paralegal is riddiculous, it just is for me.) I was really just kidding myself and lulling myself into accepting what things were, which was a cop out. I was becoming what I never wanted to be, relying on someone to save me and take care of me.
Not going back to camp has been the best decision I have made in years. For about a week I thought it was the worst thing I had done. After a week of feeling lost, and freaking out everyday, and a few days of frantically searching for myself I have come to the conclusion that it is time to grow up.
What does that even mean? For me it is finally accepting that no one is going to come along and hand me my dream job. Which I'll admit was what I was expecting for awhile and it is what made me feel so jaded when it came to the theatre world. It means that I have to take charge, put myself out there, get my hands dirty. I'm done screwing around and bemoaning the fact that doing what I love was difficult. It's my own damn fault. Accepting that was hard, but once I did everything made sense and became easier.
In the past few weeks I've applied for countless positions, and freelance spots and overhire lists. I've had a bunch of interviews that all went well. The result of all of this is that I was offered three great opportunities. One is a TD position at a great theatre company in center city and the other is a production internship with a small and kick ass company located in South Philly. I have to admit that I was floored that I had two offers, especially the TD position. Now the questions are which do I take, could I possably do all three, and why in the world did I ever under value myself so much?
Am I scared about this new adventure? Hell yes. Should I not take the positions because of that? Hell no. I'm done thinking I can't and I'm ready to say I can. I know that sounds cheesy, but I've finally realized I was holding myself back and now it's time to put myself out there and finally do what I said I was going to do.